A moment alone...

So today was good, well for the most part, I got a few things done around here that needed to be done, the most pressing thing being laundry. Other than that I pretty much had the whole house to myself, and it felt GREAT!!! Amanda was still here but she was in her room on the computer, as usual, Sia and Heather went to the horse sale, so I had the place to myself. It felt nice to be able to watch TV without someone coming along and channel surfing in the middle of a show, to be able to chill on the couch and not have to worry about people coming and talking (very loudly I might add) in your ear. As you may have gathered, things around here have been a little stressful lately. I think it comes from spending so much time with these people. Not that I have anything against them as people, so please don't read it that way, but the problem lies in the fact that we are all very very different people, with different views and different thoughts about things. Now on a once a week basis that would be fine, but for the most part (with a couple exceptions) we are together prety much 24/7. I like to go out with my other friends and do my own thing, but when I come home, the same person is always sitting there......grrrr....sometimes I wonder if maybe we should have put a little more thought into moving in with classmates, then I think no...we will get through this, and at the end of it we will be better people because of the struggles that we have come through. For the moment though, I believe that it will still remain difficult. Well I should probably run, I have to finish getting ready for kids church tomorrow and then figure out this time change that's supposed to be happening around here.....Catch y'all later.

I'm better today than I was yesterday, but hopefully not as good as I will be tomorrow....

Isn't that such a good quote? And it's the truth. This past week has been very trying, but I think I made it out alright. At the moment I'm sitting here, relaxing to some Starfield after a long night of studying. It feels good to just sit. Not have to worry about anything at the moment, just relax, it's been a while since I have felt that I could do that, but God has given me a peace about the exam tomorrow. I know my stuff, I worked hard to get to know that stuff, and I know that God will honor the work that i have put into it. He's been helping me through a tonne of stuff lately, and everytime I get through something I am reminded just how awesome He really is. I'm afraid this won't be a long blog as I am pretty tired and should get to bed, I will just leave you with one thought. Sit and soak it up. Everything that God gives you, the trials and the triumphs are all gifts to help you on your journey through life. Be Blessed! Ciao!!

On the edge of breaking down...

Ok, so maybe that is a little drastic, but this is honestly how I feel tonight. I'm beat, completely, stressed out bogged down and hurting. And in the process of being hurt, I realize that I have hurt other people. It's kinda a vicious circle, when someone gets hurt, they become defensive and snappy toward the people that are there for them. And for that I am truly sorry. I don't have a problem with you guys, and I'm sorry that I haven't stood up for you in the past few days. I am trying, but I am not perfect. Nor can I be perfect, and thats something I have had to nail into my brain lately. I try so hard to impress the people that are most impossible to impress. The only person that I have to prove myself to is God and he already thinks I'm worth it, he doesn't want me to hurt, but he's not going to force me to give it up to him. So that is the point that I am in my life. With that understanding that God would take it all from me, but still hanging on with some hope that if I don't let go it will go back to the way it was before. Then I also think about the fact that I cannot move on with my life while I am clinging to the past. So that brings me to want to let it go, but left with a fear of losing what little I am clinging to. I know that this may not make a lot of sense to some of you, but it doesn't have to..... I think I will leave this here for tonight, and those for those of you who care about me, please don't be worried. I am ok, well maybe not at the moment, but I will be. Have a good night guys.

I wish I was a puppy...

Everyone loves puppies. They are cute and cuddly and everyone wants one. They are never tossed away cause they aren't pretty enough. I mean people ditch puppies for other reasons(which I could make into a whole other blog cause that really bothers me), but not because of their appearance. So as I sit here tonight, very much not sleeping and thinking about life in general I have come to the conclusion that if I was a puppy I would be very much loved. Ok thats all, and no I'm not going to explain myself at the moment, possible another time, I'm tired and achy, and I'm going to bed, so night all. Love ya!

Just what I needed to hear....

Hey all, today was a really good day, other than the splitting headache that I have right now. At church this morning, Mark was speaking about healing. And one thing that he said really hit me, especially after last night. Healing is a process that involves taking steps in the right direction. Usually the first step is forgiveness, forgiving others and yourself. I had forgiven Matt, but I guess I hadn't gotten to the point that I Had forgiven myself yet. Well I think I made it there tonight. I'm not saying that it still doesn't hurt, because it's so easy to fall back into the whole woa is me catagory of people who sit around and mope because they got their hearts broken, all I'm saying is I'm going to do something about the hurt. I'm going to get out there and push it out of my life. I can't help others if I can't help myself, and I'm not much use if I can't do anything.
Wow it feels good to get that out. I had a good time at the EDGE tonight too, Heather and I played pool and fooseball then we played a game of cards with Shawn and Denise. I am really glad that I got connected with a place like that. I need to call it a night though, I'll actually be in bed before midnight for a change. thats a great thing cause I have a headache and tomorrow I have a radiology test, which hopefully I am well rested for. Tomorrow is going to be one heck of a day, so if I don't update you'll know why. Talk to ya'll later. Luv ya tonnes, Ciao!

Totally ok, I think

Tonight was good, well walking with Heather and the dogs was, playing at the park was, seeing Matt, well not so much. It's not that I feel that I still want to be with him, and I've forgiven him for everything, and up to that point I believed that I was truly over him, but seeing him again tonight hit me, and I was a little hurt. Not as bad as the last time, but a little. I want to get to the point where I don't hurt at all. I found a quote tonight...." Watching you walk out of my life doesn't make me bitter or scared about love, but rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how great it will be when the right onw comes along"
I want to get to that point. I do, and I thought I was at it, but tonight showed me that I'm not quite there yet. I don't feel the need to be with him anymore, and I don't feel like I will die everytime I hear his name, but I'm not to the point of not being scared, if that makes any sense at all. I talked to my buddy Shamus tonight, and she helped me out alot. She reminded me to turn to God, and although I knew that, I needed to be reminded of it once more. I think I'm gonna call it a night here pretty quick though, I didn't get a tonne of sleep last night, which could be the reason why this is hitting me so much harder....Night all, ciao!

The Dance

Tonight was Jet's 18th, so we he came up here to party. They needed a DD so I went to the bar with them. I was having a good time playing pool and just hanging out with my friends, not to happy about the whole bar scene, but I would have rather been there with them knowing that they were going to get where they were going safely then sitting at home worrying that they aren't safe. Anyways, theses guys from the army base in Wainright were up here playing pool, which was pretty cool, cause everyone was getting along super good, then some country music started to play and the one guy wanted to two-step. I'm an awful dancer, I didn't used to be, but then I stopped doing it and now I can't seem to get my feet straigtened out, but for whatever reason he decided that I would be a good candidate to dance with and Amanda and Matt both pushed me onto the dance floor. Talk about uncomfortable. First of all, he wanted to stand super close, don't get me wrong, it felt great, but thats the problem. I got hurt enough already because something *felt great*. Second he was big in the twirls and dips, twirling isn't that bad, but dipping is a little trickier. You really have to trust your dance partner. Dips are almost an intimate trust with your partner.... I want to dip with the man that I am going to be with for the rest of my life. I don't want to get dipped by just any guy, I want to dance with the man that God has prepared for me. I hope that he is a wonderful dancer, and I want each dance to be as exciting as the last. I don't want to be stepping on each others toes and I want so badly to look into his eyes and know that he loves me. I don't mean tomorrow, I mean whenever God brings us together. I love dancing, and I love dancing with guys, but I can't handle the dissapointment when you look into their eyes as you dance and realize that they don't truly care about you, they are dancing with you because they are inebriated and you look good to them at the time. I want my dance partner to be attracted to me without any assistance, I want to be able to dance with mascara running down my face, puffy eyes, in my pajamas and pink fuzzy slippers and still have my partner look at me as if I am the most beautiful girl on earth. Ok, so I'm pathetic I know, but I'm a girl, and it's late, and emotions are running high. Not to say that this stuff isn't true. I really do want all that, but I'm tired of finding it at the bars. Does that mean I'm going to stop dancing? No probably not, I'm just going to be super careful about who I dance with and what kind of dancing we are doing. I believe this is where I will stop.... not because I have nothing else to say, but I feel if I say anymore I may confuse myself. lol, Have a good night! God Bless, CIAO!!!!

To be completely honest.....

I don't really feel like updating tonight, but I will because I told you that I would. I don't know whats wrong with me today, I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster. One minute I am so awake and energetic and having a blast with my friends, then bam! the next minute I am feeling weak and shakey and so tired I can barely breathe because that takes too much effort. Hopefully it's a fleeing thing because I have to go into Lloyd tomorrow then out with the boys, it's Jet's 18th and someone needs to make sure that they get home safely. I'm going to try and get some more slee tonight though, and hopefully I am feeling better in the morning. God Bless. Ciao!

Quiet time

Finally, it's a little quiet around here anyways. I'm not meaning that my house mates are loud, cause to be completely honest with you I haven't been home all that much tonight, I was over at the clinic studying, then I was out with Heather, Matt and the dogs. And then I cam home and read over my notes again, had a hot shower, and here I am. It feels good to just be able to sit, although I feel as if I should review my notes once again, I know that I need to spend some time relaxing before bed, unwinding so that I can actually get some sleep, because I believe that it is just as important to get well rested before and exam as it is to get prepared for it. So I opted out of cranking into study mode and decided to update my blog, log some prayer time, and relax in the love of God. It's amazing really, I always used to be of the mind frame that I had to always be doing something, but now I'm like, I don't have to be doing something all the time. Sometime it's better to just sit. I'm not saying be lazy, all I'm saying is it's easier for God to take care of some things when your not up trying to make things go your way. Which by the way, they won't no matter how hard you try, things are not always going to go the way you want them to go. BE thankful for that, cause half the time if things went the way you wanted them too, you would end up hurt, trust me, I've been there before, that being said, sometimes God lets us have our own way to gently remind us that we don't know what we are doing when we try to completely control our lives. I've had a song on my heart lately, and maybe sometime you can hear it, but not right now, not until I have it in my head and my heart, and maybe on paper, lol, it's been helping me to focus on Gods awesome power though, and just the fact that he can do anything that he wants to do, and he loves us so much that he does tonnes of stuff for us..... ya it's a good song. I tihnk I'm going to stop here for tonight, I feel relaxed and calm and ready to go, but I'll update again tomorrow. Ciao!!!

A very special case indeed....

hey all, acutally I don't know if it is all, no one ever comments on here, so I'm not sure that people are actually reading this, however, if you do read it your in for a funny story tonight. So things have been, well interesting to say the least. This will be a super short entry tonight cause I'm tired and achy, but I couldn't go without blogging todays happenings, or at least 3am's happenings. So I was all snuggled into my bed, very comfy I might add, dreaming away about some stupid contest or something like that when all of a sudden WHAM! Something hit me right in the face. I just about died, then my nose started throbbing, and my eyes started tearing. Let me paint you a picture. Above my bed I have a shelf that houses my alarm clock, or at least used to. When I have my clock plugged in the cord hangs down beside my bed, not usually a big deal, but early early this morning, I thought it would be a good idea to roll over towards the wall (all while I was sleeping surprise surprise) Not such a good idea, my arm hooked around the cord and thus the pain and throbbing nose. I don't think it's broken, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this if it was broken, but I know that it is bruised and probably cracked in some way. I learned my lesson though, my alarm clock is now safely stowed away from my bed. I have to run though, I'm very tired. Stop laughing. STOP IT. Ok whatever, go ahead and laugh, it is kinda funny when you look back at it. Night all, or no one, I dunno, maybe someone will comment on this one and I will know they are reading it.......

Today I'm Thankful.......

I thought that would be an appropriate title, considering that it is Thanksgiving weekend and all. I spent some time today thinking about what I am thankful for, and the obvious things such as friends, family, shelter, food, clothing, and such things as that, came to mind right away. Then I started to think a little deeper. I mean ya it's great to be thankful for all those things, but those are the things that I am thankful for every year. Not that it's a bad thing to be thankful for those things, but after a while it just becomes repetition. So I thought, and I drank my apple cider, and I thought some more. I realized that I have so much that I am truly thankful for. One of the main things that I will share with you tonight is I am thankful that I am a child of God. He has rescued me and pulled me out of whatever pit i was headed to, and he holds my hand when I'm scared and he walks me through everything, one step at a time. I'm thankful for the hardships that he has given to me as they have helped me to grow and mature into the young woman of God that I am today, and that which I will become in the future. I am thankful for the prayers that did not get answered the way that I wanted them too. I am not a genius and I do not know what is best for people, God knows what he's doing and I am so thankful that he is patient with me when I choose to do things my own way. I'm thankful for the talents he has given to me. I have written a few songs in the last little while and it feels amazing to be able to do that. I'm thankful for the people in my life, even the ones that I fight with. I am thankful that I get to spend time with children. They are truly amazing, I wish that everyone in this world could have the faith of a small child, they truly could move mountains with their faith. I am thankful that I have been set free by the blood of Christ. Jesus washed away my sins so that I could enter the kingdom of heaven with him. There are so many other things that I am thankful for, and I could probably go on for pages and pages, but I won't because I have other things that I need to do, and I'm sure you do as well. I just wanted to share that, and ask you, what are you thankful for? Honestly think about that question. Look deeper into it, don't just say the standard responses. Love ya guys!!!

Some sensless ramblings.....

Hey all, I know it's been a while since my last update, but things have been slightly busy around the college then, they took away our phone lines, including internet, and now that I'm home I figured that I could update this. The phone lines should be working again by the time I get back, and I really hope they will be cause even though my new name is apparently Leslie, it was great to actually have a working phone. So I did pretty good on my SAH midterm, however, hemo needs a little more work. I just made totally stupid mistakes, such as not reading the whole question and stressing out about the whole exam. It won't happen again, I won't allow it. Anyways, I don't even really know where to start, not that there has been a tonne of interesting stuff going on, but there has been a tonne of stuff. We got our third and final rabies shot Wednesday, and this one is much worse then the last two. My arm is so swollen and itchy. Grrr... it drives me crazy!!! Hopefully it will go away in a couple days, along with the fatigue and total energy loss. Hmm.... what else, oh ya, I almost hit a freakin deer tonight, I was coming around the curvy roads at Unity and I just got around the corner and the deer ran out into the middle of the road, I missed it thank goodness cause that could have been very bad. I don't even want to think about it....... Lets change the subject. God's been doing a tonne of work in my life lately regarding relationships. He's showing me to trust more, but also more carefully, if that makes any sense at all, and he has sent me a really great group of friends to help me hear his voice and realize what I need to do. I don't really want to get into a long discussion about it at the moment, because I am kinda really tired and I probably should maybe get to bed. I will try and update a little more throughly tomorrow, I just thought that I would let you all know that I am home for the weekend and if you read this and are home too, give me a call and we should do coffee, or lunch or both, whichever works for you. lol, I really need to get some sleep I'm starting to ramble........

Always do what is right. This will surprise some people and astonish the rest.

So you know that girl that I was talking about in my last blog, the one that is now going to share a hotel room with us at our SAVT conference? Well I was walking to class today and I saw her, and I was so going to spin in the other direction and take a different route to class, but God was pushing me to talk to her, and let her know that she was welcome in our room. I really didn't want to do it, but I did anyways, and now I am so glad that I did. I honestly did not think that this girl was capable of emotions, but today in talking to her I realized that she was hurt by what those other girls did to her, but she is very excited that she gets to hang out with us. I was thinking all day about that, and how glad I am that God opened my eyes to that stuff. So overall today was a pretty alright day, except for the fact that my phone line died again, so I'm really not sure when that will be permanently up and running, it seems to kinda come and go as it pleases. I can hardly believe that it's October already. Before you know it, it'll be time to go for practicum then, *gulp*, VTNE time. Yikes..... oh well, I know that God will get me through it..... So tonight was pretty good, I watched a movie with the girls and Mark, then I shut myself in my room, played my guitar and cried. Tears of complete frustration with myself, but the were really refreshing. Sometimes I think God takes us to the point of tears because they are so cleansing. I felt so much better after that. Although I am very very tired right now, so maybe I will have to make this a short entry and get to bed. I think I'll probably write more tomorrow. Night all